(Motion Sickness

I don't know if this is true everywhere - in the entire industry, or just within state government. My guess is it's everywhere there is a bureaucracy.

Where I work, they are trying to make everything a project. If you tie your shoes it's a project. It needs a project charter, it needs a project sponsor, it needs a project plan. It needs a software design document that is reviewed by the architectural review board. The list goes on and on.

The idea is that after years of failed projects they are going to get a process in place to prevent any more failed projects. Will it help? There is a history of failed projects in the industry, that much is true. But what is the solution? The answer that is being presented is more bureaucracy. Either that or micro-management (Extreme programming). I don't think either one is the answer, although I admit I don't have an answer myself.

What is a Project Manager

There are 2 kinds of project managers:

1. The one that is a useless obstructionist
2. The one that is in a tizzy all the time

If there are any project managers out there reading this, they will all assume they are in the 2nd group. But only half are. I will mostly just talk about the 1st group because they are the problem. The 2nd group is just people trying to make their way in the world balancing conflicting demands - they use their actual brains to organize things and 'Project Management', with all it's paperwork, is just another conflicting demand on them. It doesn't help them at all. They do a good job despite, not because of, project management.

Talk to a project manager. Ask them what they do. Ask them what a project manager does. If they are in the 2nd group they will say something along these lines:

"Lot's of stuff. Meetings. Documentation. Putting out fires. More meetings. I can't keep up with it all..."

If they are in the 1st group they will say something along these lines:

"The project manager doesn't DO anything"

because that's something I've heard more than one project manager actually say. It's a motto of sorts. You're not supposed to actually be doing anything. Delegate. Decide. Delay. Deceive. I'll call it the 4 D's.

So, for instance, you are taught in project management that once the requirements are gathered, any change in those requirements is a change request and cannot be addressed until the project is over. It goes into stage 2 which is technically, another project. So, changing requirements, even when you know very well they have changed - or were misunderstood to begin with - is highly discouraged. That's terrible for the customer. But good for the project manager.

Another motto could be "The Customer is always wrong". That's a favorite in IT departments that world over. It's a play on "The Customer is always right" which I was always told when I worked in fast food. If someone complains about their hamburger and demands their money back, even if they already ate it, and even if you figure they are lying, you give them their money back. "The customer is always right".

Not so in the IT world. That's why the "Agile" movement came about. It made sense at first. "Welcoming changing requirements...", instead of forcing people to sign onto these unchangeable agendas like a nebulous contract with the unforeseen. But Agile turned into micro-management, and that's just more bureaucracy.

So the job of the Project Manager is to prevent things from happening. That's pretty much it. The 'useless project manager' operates under the false assumption that they understand the goals of the project, the limits of the technology - and the English language. 100% of the time at least one of these is not true. Usually all three.

Theoretically they keep things within time-line, budget and scope. In the perfect world this is true, but once you add 4 unforeseen complications and/or misunderstandings to a project - which will happen to any project - the plan has already generated statistically impossible number of divergent paths to keep track of. With an activity chart, a 'critical path' and especially with a Gantt chart. Don't get me started with those. They are useless when they don't fit on one page - and they never fit on one page.

Hang out at any state IT shop. Talk to 30 people. 25 of them are trying to get certified in Project Management. So they can leave this - quote - programming - end quote - stuff behind. And make more money. And do nothing. Because the project manager doesn't DO anything. Sweeeeet.

What is Project Management itself?

It seems to amount to a hodge-podge of familiar terms - re-defined and wrapped up as nuggets of wisdom - with a heavy lean towards 'business' and a heavy lean away from 'engineering'.

So you describe things with useless terms like "Resource Management", you use made up, imaginary words like "deliverable", and redefine commonly used phrases as if they are new concepts. Here's a few chestnuts:

Actual Start date (AS)

The calendar date work actually began on an activity. It must be prior to the timenow date.

In English we just say "when it starts"

Duration

The number of work periods (not including holidays or other nonworking periods) required to complete an activity or set of activities. All activity durations are specified with the same duration unit.

In English it's just "how long it takes"

Effort

The number of labor units required to complete an activity or other project element. Usually expressed as staffhours, staffdays, or staffweeks. Should not be confused with duration.

You mean "how much work"? Make sure you don't confuse that with how long it takes. 2 different things entirely.

Holiday

A period of time within the project timeframe when work cannot be scheduled. Holidays can be assigned to one or more calendars.

"day off"

Percent complete

An estimate, expressed as a percent, of the amount of work that has been completed on an activity or group of activities.

"how far along"

Scheduled Finish date (SF)

The date when the activity is scheduled to be completed using the resource-constrained scheduling process.

"due date"

Scheduled Start date (SS)

The date when the activity is scheduled to begin using the resource-constrained scheduling process. This date is equal to or greater than the early start date.

"start date"

I like the way they include an abbreviation. So in conversation you can say "It's been 3 months since the SS". And everyone will know what you mean.

Stormin, Normin, Formin, Performin

This is a little catch phrase to memorize the 4 stages a project follows. I hate this kind of thing. You see this a lot in business school. It's been imported from there and put into the field of programming, but it has nothing to do with programming. There are so many of these types of things in project management. But none quite as annoying. You can look forward to test questions like this:

The Scheduled Start Date occurs during what phase?:

1. Stormin
2. Normin
3. Formin
4. Performin
5. None of the above

Which is a typical question you will see on a PMI certification test. And is very close to missing the point entirely. How is that going to help anybody do anything? I really don't know. I guess the purpose is to drum in a shared vocabulary. But what they are documenting and describing with those 4 stages actually works for a lot of things and is self-evident. It's not something that needs to be memorized. It's the great universal progression of 4, as I call it.

I first became aware of the universal progression of 4 (I'll call it UP4) when I read about Carl Jung and and his 4 levels of the development of the anima and animus:

The anima stages:

1. Eve
2. Helen (as in "...of Troy")
3. Mary
4. Sophia

and the corresponding animus stages:

1. Tarzan
2. Prince Charming
3. Professor or Clergyman
4. Saint

I saw this generalized somewhere else as follows (although I don't remember where now):

1. Hero/Simpleton (example: Superman)
2. Romantic (example: Keats)
3. Ego (example: Dr. Phil)
4. Saint (example: Gandhi)

Okay - never mind how accurate these are. It's a little friendly to Gandhi. But you get the idea. It is some sort of progression of your conception of the opposite sex. I don't make any claims at it's accuracy - but I have noticed, during the last 10-15 years or so, that a lot of things follow the same 4 steps.

Universal Progression of 4 (UP4)

There is a beginning and an ending and then 2 states in the middle that can perpetually interchange - or that mirror each other in some way.

If I were to put it in pseudo mathematical notation it would be like this: ( 1 (2<=>3) 4 )

Look for it whenever you read a book that tries to teach you something. Because that's often when it shows up. I'll just make something up:

Rob's 4 steps to writing a program:

1. begin
2. brainstorm - think with no restrictions
3. consolidate ideas
4. finish

So you can see:

1) begin is like Superman - because it's something coming from nothing, which is strangely superhuman

2) brainstorm - is like Keats in that it is a florid blossoming thing that is best without restrictions

3) consolidate - is like Dr. Phil cause it rejects certain ideas and thinks it is wise, but has no original ideas of it's own

and

4) finish - is like Gandhi since it is something turning into nothing, which is kind of ethereal and other-worldly or something.

Just think of anything that happens as a progression. and you will see it can be divided into 4 stages. It sounds crazy - because it is. But I'm sure you can think of things that fit the pattern. There are the 4 directions. 4 seasons. The 4 cardinal signs of astrology. The 4 base molecules of DNA. You can invent your own. Then you can invent something like Project Management. And swindle everybody out of a lot of money. Just repackage and rename. It's the age-old secret of the huckster.